


I am Human...

by DemonWalker



Series: I Never Want To Go Home [1]
Category: In the Flesh (TV)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-16
Updated: 2014-06-16
Packaged: 2018-02-04 23:27:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,219
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1797226
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DemonWalker/pseuds/DemonWalker
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>'He wonders if Amy ever got Simon to laugh. He hopes she did.'</p>
            </blockquote>





	I am Human...

Kieren stares at the photograph of Simon and his mum and smiles sadly; he hasn't ever discussed his parents, and so Kieren doesn't ask, but he is immensely curious. Simon doesn't open up very often. Kieren knows how he passed, knows he suffered with depression while alive, and abused drugs because of it, but besides that, Simon remains an enigma. It's something Kieren finds increasingly annoying, but also kind of appreciates at the same time - he understands not wanting to unleash everything on someone. Simon knows a lot about Kieren, but that's thanks to Amy. Turns out Amy gushed about him the entire time they were at the commune together, and the whole time they travelled from there to Roarton. And then some more. How she had enough to talk about, he has no idea, but everything Amy knew, Simon knows. The only thing she hadn't told him was how Kieren passed, but Simon found that out on his own...

It's weird to think he's practically living with someone he knows hardly anything about. Sometimes he imagines ways of getting Simon to open up, just about little things - did he have any siblings? When did he go to the treatment centre? Where is his mum? What about his dad? Why is there a guitar in the living room that he never touches anymore? What's his favourite Smiths song? What about Nirvana? Does he have a favourite book? What age was he when he died? Where did he rise? Where did he grow up?

He could probably make up answers to all of those questions and get them correct, mostly, but he still would like to hear it from Simon. Simon is so insecure and unsure of himself, when you take away the walls he's built around himself; when you pull apart the disguise he’s built up. Kieren didn't really notice it at first, not until that first kiss, then it was kind of way too clear to him. Ever since then Kieren's locked away little bits of information about Simon in the back of his brain. How he blames himself for Amy's death, God knows why. How he still looks taken-aback whenever his mum offers for Simon to stay for dinner. How he hesitates with his hands whenever Kieren kisses him, as if he doesn’t want to be too rough, or too forward, as if he doesn’t know if Kieren wants it – even though Kieren kissed him. How he doesn’t sleep right at night, wakes up every few hours, and always looks around unsure where he is. How he always burrows a little closer to Kieren when he’s woken up from a nightmare – he didn’t think Zombies, the redeemed, could even have dreams. Kieren never remembers his, if he has them. He has memories, but not dreams. Maybe it’s the same for Simon, Simon never talks about them, even when Kieren wakes up and asks him about them. 

The worst one had Simon tumbling out of his (Kieren’s) bed and crawling and clawing across to the other side of the room before Kieren could even sit up in bed. He’s never in his life seen anyone look so violated in either of his lives. Kieren worried for a second that the noise might have woken one of the other Walkers, but ignored that thought quickly and didn’t really care if it had. Simon had pressed himself against Kieren’s desk, curled into the smallest position he could manage, and covered his head with his hands, clasped them in front of him, covered his ears with them, rubbed his eyes with the heels of his palms, and then he stayed like that. Kieren had no idea what to do, at first, he just watched him, kind of helplessly. When he’d finally climbed out of bed and cautiously tip toed over to Simon, pulled him up slowly and back into bed, Simon had clung to him a little too roughly, and refused to speak, even as Kieren brushed fingers through Simon’s hair and mumbled questions against his forehead. 

They haven’t had that happen since, though, Kieren constantly chooses for them to sleep at the bungalow together rather than at Kieren’s parent’s house – Simon seems calmer, somehow, at the bungalow. 

Kieren sometimes just goes through Simon’s stuff while Simon’s out of the bungalow. He never goes out for long, but always long enough for Kieren to have a very good nosey around the place. He goes through Simon’s albums. Sometimes he even listens to them. He’d never really listened to the type of music Simon listens to. It’s not exactly easy listening. Simon’s caught him listening to his Smiths albums before now; he smiled slightly at him and sat on the floor next to where Kieren was sat on the bed, while the album played through. Simon sang through “How Soon Is Now” and Kieren felt an ache in his throat and a tug in his chest and sank down to sit next to Simon and kissed trails along his jaw, and throat and wrists and cheeks. He still isn’t sure to this day why, something in the way Simon sang, perhaps. 

Kieren realises, rather belatedly, that he’s only ever heard Simon laugh once. When he touched his face and neck and stared in awe, uttering “you beat it”. It wasn’t even really a laugh, a shocked few puffs of air breathed against his face. He wonders if Simon’s ever really laughed properly, full bodied, head dropped forward, or flung back. He wonders how Simon would laugh. He imagines he’d scrunch his shoulders up, self-consciously, drop his head forward. His laugh would be a bark rather than something drawn out. He’d probably grin to himself afterward, then look up; look toward whoever made him laugh almost shyly. It’d probably be a very sweet thing to see. 

He wonders if Amy ever got Simon to laugh. He hopes she did. He’s sure she probably did – she could make anyone feel happier, cheerier. He then starts to wonder if she knew a lot about Simon – whether Simon ever opened up to her. He doubts it. 

He wonders when Simon had his first kiss? Did he ever take a girl home? Or a boy? Kieren doesn’t even know what Simon identifies as – it doesn’t matter to him, really, so he’s never really thought about it until now, but now he wonders if Simon’s ever had a girlfriend, or boyfriend. Did he ever meet their parents? Oh no, what if meeting Kieren’s parents was the first time he ever went through that. 

Kieren picks up the photo of Simon and his mother as Simon himself walks through the front door; Kieren doesn’t even hide that he was being a nosey fuck, just looks up when Simon walks toward the bedroom door and calls his name. He pauses when he sees what Kieren is holding on to, doesn’t say anything, just stares for a few moments. He eventually steps forward toward Kieren and mumbles out “s’ mum and me… way before I...” 

Kieren looks up at him and watches his expression for a few seconds before he passes the photo over to him. Simon looks lost for a moment, and then he sits on the bed, heavily. Kieren follows suit, a lot more gently though, and waits patiently...


End file.
